Tips for Family Members and Friends - How to Survive an Eating Disorder:
- Realize that you are in extremely difficult circumstances. Sometimes you may feel angry, frustrated, helpless, afraid, and powerless. Sometimes your child or friend may seem needy and pathetic and other times act stubborn, oppositional, and defiant. The person with the eating disorder wields great power in the family despite this seeming contradiction, and doesn't even realize it. Naturally you feel confused and distraught.
- Accept the fact that there are no quick answers or cures for an eating disorder. Psychotherapists and physicians cannot perform magic. For your child or friend to recover, changes in attitude and behavior are necessary. The family will also be obliged to make some changes to accommodate the new insights and growth occurring in the recovering loved one.
- Provide your loved one with support and encouragement, but do not sacrifice your own needs in the process. Give yourself permission to engage in relaxing and replenishing pursuits. Self-sacrifice does not help your child or other family members and friends and you will accomplish nothing except to become emotionally drained and resentful. Make time for enjoyable activities and fun for the family; this sends an important message to the sufferer and gives the family/friends needed relief. Continue to pursue your interests and activities outside the family and encourage the person with the eating disorder to do the same.
- It is not useful or realistic to blame either yourself or your child for the eating disorder. Blaming is not productive. No one is at fault. Guilt and blame are immobilizing and impede the recovery process. It is important to recognize that recovery is the responsibility of the person with the eating disorder. It is equally important to recognize that you have the responsibility of being aware of the ways you may be "enabling" (facilitating) or participating in the problem.
- If your child or friend is a minor (under 18), seek treatment immediately. Do not hesitate to intervene out of fear that he or she will hate you or retaliate by becoming more ill. An adult (18 and over) cannot be forced into treatment, but you still have power to encourage and facilitate therapy.
- Don't be overprotective. For example, unhappiness and upset about work, school, or relationships are the responsibility of that person. Don't try to take care of those issues for him or her. Attempting to protect someone from situations that are distressing provide an "out" and teach avoidance. Experiencing and dealing with uncomfortable situations is part of life and adulthood.
- Develop an ongoing dialogue with your loved one about issues other than food, weight, appearance and achievement. Don't let your concern about eating lead to lectures or demands about weight loss or gain. Instead, express your love and affection verbally and physically to convey appreciation for the person rather than what that person does or does not do.
- Power struggles are "no win" battles and will only promote and reinforce an adversarial relationship with your child. Engaging in such battles will lead to perceptions of you as uncaring, critical, and demanding. Eating and weight gain are not your responsibility. If you are asked to participate in monitoring meals, do so only in the context of family therapy with the mediation of a therapist.
- Constructive communications are vital during recovery. Do not make statements like, "You are ruining the whole family" or "Why are you doing this to us?" Rather, make an effort to find positive value in what your loved one is trying to do.
- Participate in family therapy or some other kind of support group to work through your feelings during this emotionally-charged period. Don't isolate yourself. A support group or regular schedule of psychotherapy can help you deal with your own feelings, thoughts and fears in relation to the family member/friend with an eating disorder.
- Recovery is a process and cannot be achieved quickly. The duration of recovery varies by individual and circumstances. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Discover new and creative ways to take care of yourself and your family. Pursue other avenues of spiritual nourishment and recreational activities that will strengthen your inner resources and sustain you through the rough times.
Trusting the process... one step at a time. ™ |
The Moore Center Serving Bellevue, Seattle, and the entire Puget Sound region since 1991 |
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